Krull. Sarcazmo's take on the 1983 fantasy movie.

Krull is a 1983 fantasy movie. The plot concerns aliens from another planet coming to earth to enslave humanity and impregnate a princess with the seed that would become the future leader of the galaxy. The only resistance comes from a King and a group of converted prisoners.

What do the critics say?

Rotten Tomatoes: 35%

IMDB: 5.9
Sarcazmo's rating (out of 7) 4: REWATCH

The trailer.

The Caz doesn't care what the critics think...Krull is fun, easy,  entertaining, and underappreciated. Are there plots holes ...yes, is it perfect...far from. Theres too much goodness to not like this movie. Breaking down a movie like only Sarcazmo can do,   its time for..
 Sarcazmo's 7 random observations, critiques, and opinions about the movie  Krull. 

7. The set design. I have read that Krull's budget was somewhere between $27 million and $50 million. Adjusted for  inflation, that's a lot of scratch. Said scratch was used to build 23 sets  in legendary Pinewood Studios. The sets are epic. The photos on the left are  random interior shots of the Black Fortress. The movie just looks fantastic. Everything is clear and sharp.

     6. The Slayers. Bad ass henchmen of The Beast. What the slayers are exactly is open for interpretation. Some have said they're cyborg aliens from another planet. Others have hypothesized they're enslaved humans or aliens with a mind controlling parasite living in their brain. The parasite theory holds weight as when you kill a slayer, this mini octopussy looking thing breaks out of its head and burrows into the ground.
       Some say the octopus/parasite creature burrows back to the Black Fortress and infects another enslaved human.
    
Slayers are very hard to kill as they seem to have electricity running thru their body's in some way, which makes it difficult to slice them with metal.  In the initial wedding crasher scene, very few Slayers are killed.
    
Slayers have two problems that you'd think the all powerful Beast could remedy...they're slow and they're dumb. This is what makes them slightly vulnerable in combat. If they were stealth like a  shadow ninja...game over.

The Slayers weapon of choice is a hybrid spear/sword. The weapons steal the movie quite frankly. The spear can fire one electric spear blast then its flipped  over and used to fight with the other end... very nifty idea.

5. The Glaive. Name me a cooler weapon. The Glaive is a 5 pointed star that sprouts 5 blades when summoned by its owner. Seems to be indestructible, and destroys pretty much everything in its path.

      
The main problem here is, it isn't used until the end of the film. Of course if the hero could use it there would be no bad guys left I guess. It is said he should only use it when he needs it, I guess his army  getting crushed during the swamp battle and a little kids life is in danger is not a serious enough predicament. P.S. the star works like a boomerang, how the hell does the hero catch it without severing a finger.

     4. Cyclops. The most bad ass character in the movie. Around 7 feet tall, estimated to be around 400 pounds, deadly accurate with a harpoon sized spear. Epic strength, great speed for someone his size, shakes off spear shots like they're pellets. Only weakness is bad peripheral vision.
    
     Cyclops race made a deal with the movies villain (The Beast). They gave up one eye in order to see the future. Unfortunately for them The Beast is a double dealer and took their eye but only gave them the ability to see the future date in which  they'll pass away. Ever since that moment the Cyclops race waged war on The Beast and all Slayers.

One of the best moments in the film is during the swamp battle. 3 Slayers are on the attack when out of nowhere, from like 30 yards away, a spear hits one dead center, sending its parasite brain into the dirt. The remaining Slayers back the eff up knowing Cyclops has arrived on the scene. They want no part of that.

Some form of Cyclops would have no doubt shown up in any sequels had there been any. He could have been the franchises Chewbacca...tough but lovable.

3. The Widow of the Web scene.  Doing giant spiders on film long before Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings trilogy, one of Krulls  great scenes involves a journey to the center of a giant spiderweb that contains a woman who can foresee the future. No one has ever made it out alive.

 We come to find out the woman was imprisoned there for killing her newborn child. I guess she doesn't have to eat or drink, she's just magically kept in the web alive for eternity.

 Well its no coincidence that the character who makes it to the center of the web is the father of the murdered child. In an emotional scene, the guy admits hes already forgiven her for murdering their child...ok. He just needs some info then he'll be on his way.

She agrees to help, but in order for him to get out, she has to sacrifice herself. She breaks a magical hourglass and gives the dust to him to use to stall the giant white spider that's gonna be coming after him. His life runs out with the sand. If that's the case I'd just put the sand  in a baggie and live forever. Damn good scene even with all the cheese corn.

     2. The Beast. What an epic villain. Soft spoken, well mannered, polite, courteous..ugly as all hell.

 The Beast is a supreme alien being from somewhere in outer space. He travels in a huge rock called the Black Fortress. The interior of the Black Fortress though is all decked out...The Beast knows him some contemporary art deco/interior design.

     He seems to be quite powerful, but only uses his power when its convenient to the plot. Either way, hes still one of the most underrated movie villains ever. Due to budget escalations, The Beast is only shown in subtle blurry shots. This is one of the rare occasions in cinema where being cheap actually works for the movie, it makes the character more effective. You want to see more of this seemingly well educated grotesque thing of a monster. The Beast's demise is kinda sad...he suffers alot. You almost feel bad for the guy.

1. The Score. Epic score from James Horner here. From the moment the movie starts, the first thing you realize is the music. James Horner scored everything from Red Heat to Titanic. Krull has to be one of his best. One knock on him though is that he re-uses parts his own music from other films. So be it I say, if it adds to the movie then there should be no complaints.

Bonus Blog!!

Krull was suppose to be big. This movie was supposed to be a Star Wars sized hit. If a movie has this many video games, the studio has really high hopes.  It only grossed $16,519,460. Looking back it opened simultaneously with Nation Lampoons Vacation, which was my favorite movie of that year.

It debuted at #4 behind Lampoons, Jaws 3-D and the 10th week of Return of the Jedi. It seems to me its failure was mainly due to its release date. The youngsters of 1983 elected to use their $5.00 a week allowance on known franchises Jaws and Return of the Jedi instead of something they knew nothing about. Krull doesnt really come from a known popular source. Jaws had the 3d gimmick, Jedi was Jedi, and Chevy Chase was the man back then.

The lack of a name American actor may have been its biggest downfall though. Ken Marshall was fine, but he wasn't a name. I don't remember seeing him ever again in a movie. Browsing IMDB, it looks like he did alot of TV. He was on Baywatch for an episode...yikes.

Double Bonus: Plot holes, hi-jinx, questions, and shenanigans.

1.  If The Beast could make dirt into quicksand, create evil dopplehangers, assume any form he wishes and seem to be all powerful, then why doesnt he use his magic when the good guys are closing in.

2. Why does The Beast have to wait a day or two to move the Black Fortress. If he can travel through space, he should be able to do whatever he wants on other planets.

3. Where do the girls come from in the middle of the movie?

4. Why do the fire mares gallop in mid air?

5. How did the Widow of the Web get there without the spider eating her or her capturers?

6. Why are there armies of Slayers at the beggining of the movie but none at the end when The Beast needs them the most?

7. Who would win between Cyclops and The Beast sans magical powers?

8. The Glaive should have returned to Colwyn after The Black Fortress went up in flames.

9. Where are all the people?

10. How is the son of Colwyn and Lyssa going to rule the galaxy when he cant even get off Krull.

11. Why did Ken Marshall never become a star?

12. Did the Slayers in the swamp have breathing hoses or do they have gills?

Sarcazmo recasts the 2011 Fright Night remake.

1985's Fright Night told the tale of a teenage boy who comes to realize his new next door neighbor is a vampire. After trying to convince the police and his friends to help him to no avail, he asks a local TV star to help him out.

Fright Night is one of the top 5 horror movies of the 1980's. What it lacks in budget and effects, it makes up with acting and script. For the money they had, the cast they got was solid. Next year this movie will be remade. Its pretty much certain it wont hold a candle to the original, but I'm enticed none the less.



Now that the official cast has been announced, Caz thought he would pick his dream cast if he was in charge. So I will list the original character, the remake choice, and Sarcazmo's choices. Here we go.

Amy Peterson played by Amanda Bearse. Best known for her role on the TV sitcom Married with Children. Bearse's character is a sweet, innocent, virgin who loves her boyfriend. Late in the movie she gets bitten and turns into this.....

A big mouthed, in heat, bad eye make-upped, SHE-VAMP.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
Who will play her in the 2011 remake? Imogen Poots.WHO?? IMDB says she was in V for Vendetta and 28 Weeks Later. She looks like an innocent little tike so we shall see.





 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 

 
 

Who would Sarcazmo have cast? 100% convinced a pre- drugs/crime/lesbian/jail/coke Lindsay "you don't mess with the" Lohan would be the perfect choice. I would have beaten Robert Rodriguez to the punch and cast her in Fright Night before he got her for Machete. She can do cookie cutter virginal school girl better than anyone on the market. Just watch Mean Girls, she could totally do this character, and she definitely has the "goods" to be a sexy she-vamp.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Charley Brewster played by William Ragsdale. Ragsdale went on to do some TV, but he'll never be remembered for anything but this performance. His performance is quality through and through. He is just the right mix of sissy mamas boy meets wannabe/never will be hard ass.

 
 
 
 
 

Who will play him in the 2011 remake? Anton Yelchin. As long as he doesn't have that Star Trek accent, I guess I can live with this. I'm not really a fan of this guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

 

 

 

 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who would Sarcazmo have cast? Who can play pretty boy that tries to be tough but never will be...oh yeah, its Shia "Shangri La" Beouf. The bad news is he would have been too busy to do this film and his asking price is too much for a medium budgeted horror production. The good news is he was already in a Fright Night remake...2007's Disturbia.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     Stephen Geoffreys as 'Evil Ed' Thompson. Stephen made the huge mistake of passing on playing Evil Ed again in Fright Night 2. He instead made the immortal 976-Evil...which grossed

$2,955,917 worldwide. Fright Night 2 grossed $2,983,784, so in the short term it didn't really matter.  In the long tern he ended up doing gay porn and not much else. Had he done the sequel, he could at least have made some chump change on the horror festival convention tour.

 

 

 

 

Who will play him in the 2011 remake....Mclovin. Christopher Mintz "heroin is so" Plasse. This just has epic fail written all over it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who would Sarcazmo have cast. Easy choice here, my man Ben "Australian for beer" Foster. Ben can play dork, loser dork, sad dork, scared dork, weird dork, and then scary vampire dork. I mean is there anybody else, this should be his role.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jonathan Stark as Billy Cole. Billy Cole is Jerry Dandridges right hand thing. Kind of a cocky, high school bully type. He guards him while he sleeps. What he is exactly remains a mystery. Some have said he is a mummy, others say he is a half vampire. Its never made clear in the film.

Who's playing him in the movie.............................no one. Apparently his character has been written out. What a dick move. He could of been awesome. Give him all kinds of strengths and powers. Make him a real a-hole,  You need an extra bad guy for fight scenes.

Who would Sarcazmo have cast? A slew of capable actors to choose from. Ashton Kutcher can do a-hole with the best of them. Kevin Bacon could be a more menacing guardian. Liev Schreiber could be a creepier deadlier Billy Cole. My choice though can do all of those things.  

Timothy Olyphant would be my choice. He can do creepy, bully, and tough. I can just see him catching Charley Brewster snooping around..."hey kid, what are you doing".

Jerry Dandridge played by Chris Sarandon. Sarandon is nails in this movie. This is Sarandons finest career moment. Hes charming, but bad ass when he needs to be. A tragic figure, didn't have a choice when he was bitten.

     Who's playing him in the 2011 remake. Colin Farrell. I like this choice, I like Colin as a bad guy here. I think he is going to do fine.

    Who would Sarcazmo have cast? George Clooney. He has the suave, debonair demeanor. Can do tragic. Not usually a bully tough guy, but he would pull it off.

     Roddy Mcdowall as Peter Vincent. Pretty much steals the movie. What a fantastically written character in a movie filled with them. Peter Vincent is a cable access horror movie host who is asked by Charley Brewster to help him kill a vampire. You need the right mix of thespian, sissy-boy and camp to play this role, and Roddy has it down pat.

Who is playing him in the 2011 remake? David Tennant. Best known as Dr.Who from the TV show Dr.Who. Caz doesn't do too much TV, so this choice is baffling. There are so many other actors out there who could play the character. Oh and in this remake Peter Vincent is a magician, not a TV show host....weak.

Who would Sarcazmo have cast? My first choice was Ian Mckellan, but after I watched Inglourius Basterds, I'm 50/50. Christoph Waltz looks and acts so much like Roddy Mcdowall its not even funny. Mckellan could so do an old washed up horror movie actor who longs for  the days of yesteryear. Either choice is fine with me, but I would give Mckellan the edge because he is one of my favs.

Bonus blog. Kim Cattrall as Charleys mom..."dinner is in the oven".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BV4-dHF6Fn0

Predators, what went wrong.

     As Sarcazmo looked over 2010's slate of movies, the disappointment dug in like an Alabama tick.  He looked at Jan-April...not much. Surely the summer is gonna be loaded, it wasn't. Fall is looking just as bleak. Theres not much left, Caz  has already seen The Expendables...and its just what it looks like, a big budget straight to dvd action movie. Maybe Paranormal 2 will be decent.

     The only movie that really stuck out to me was Predators. So Caz eagerly awaited 6 months hoping that this could erase the aftertaste that was the AVP movies....well it didn't, it was a huge letdown.
     Lets face it, nothing will be better than the original Predator. It was just one of those movies in history where everything clicked...the cast, director, Arnold, plot, finale, etc. When you watch Predator for the first time, you have no idea what the creature is. So its an event at the end of the movie when it shows itself.  Predators tried to mimic Predator in every way but in the end did more bad than good.


                                  So here we go 7 random things that were wrong with Predators.

                                                                        7. This...

                                                                   does not equal...

                                                                            this.

  

     Predator's cast was not chock full of star power. Schwarzenegger and Carl Weathers were the only two name actors.  The guys they got though were tough, charismatic,built, and you would feel safe around them if you were in a fight. Predators cast doesn't have one likable character...the Russian comes close and Laurence Fishburnes character had potential, but he must have had another film to go make.  Adrian Brody is tough and you feel he can fight, but he lacks Arnold's charisma.

      6. The  sword fight. 1987...in a rumored cut scene, Billy, shown left, takes a final stand against the Predator with just a sword as his weapon.    Why wasn't it shown? It would have taken away from Arnold's mano-a-mano duel...it would have been redundant. Also, it would have looked silly.

Predator 2: Wearing one of the worst costume shop wigs in a movie featuring a killer alien ever, King Willy shown left, decides to take a stand against the Predator with only a sword as his weapon. Why wasn't it shown? The director didn't know how to film it... they didn't want to show the predator yet... it would have been too one sided... or the correct answer, it would have looked silly.

                                                                                     

Predators: Sporting many a tattoo and completely barefoot, Hanzo, shown left, decides to take a stand against the predator, with only a sword as his weapon. Why wasn't it shown?...Oh wait, this time, it was, and IT LOOKED SILLY. If the picture isn't enough proof, watch the film. A predator is at least 5 times stronger then a man. They fight aliens with one hand tied behind their back. So they should take out a human no sweat. Arnold couldn't even beat one..he got lucky with a phantom tree stump. It just doesn't work having a ninja fight a predator. The only way a fight like that   works is if A: He charges the predator, and the predator destroys him in one swing or B: He takes a bunch of huge swings to no effect, getting blocked every time, and eventually tires out and accepts his fate, praying while the predator slices him dead...that's an honorable death.

     5. The obligatory action scene to show the soldiers can fight. You have to have an early scene showing the soldiers ability to fight. Predator's (1987) was solid, Predators (2010) was not. 1987's Predator shootout accomplished two things. One, it showed each member of the team kicking ass, it proved they could handle themselves in combat. Two, it actually developed characters. Jesse Venturas line "I ain't got time to bleed," furthered his characters bad ass development, so when he got offed, it was a mild surprise.

    

Predators obligatory action scene featured predator dogs...yes dogs. These dogs were actually HARDER TO KILL then the  predators! Each character used their unique weapons and acted tough, but it wasn't that entertaining. They should of come off as more bad ass. They should have destroyed the predator dogs easily. One character unloads about 500  rounds from a mini-gun into one of the dogs before it dies...stupid. He should of killed like 5 dogs at once with a gun that big. A scene like this should display the soldiers strengths, instead it makes them come off as inept.

  

4. The mini gun. Such a boss weapon, a ridiculous gun. In Predator it was used correctly, every last bullet was consumed, then the gun was worthless and dumped. It served its purpose, which was to show us something we hadn't seen before. 

     

In Predators, it should have been taken to the next level, but it wasn't. First off the gun should annihilate anything it hits, yet it had a hard time killing a dog. Every time the gun is shot, it's cool and entertaining. They should have exploited it more.
    
One scene I wanted in Predators was a predator getting completely splattered by the gun. A scene should have played out like this....4 predators in trees shooting down at the soldiers, soldiers taking heavy fire and in a state of panic.  Then all of a sudden, the Russian gets fed up with hiding, stands up, and  just opens up a can of bad ass into the trees and shatters one of the predators instantly....green blood everywhere, the predators retreat. If you don't think that would have the audiences screaming and cheering,  then you don't like movies.

3. Laurence Fishburne. Wasted, enough said.

2. Misuse of a couple great ideas. At one point in the film, an unknown alien species makes an appearance, then is not heard from or mentioned again. The producers dropped the ball here. The unknown alien species could of been a dark horse in the fight scenes. They could of attacked both predators and humans.

     Topher Graces character in the movie is part of a clever twist...a clever twist that unfortunately gets shat on by the producers. SPOILERS...............The whole movie you wonder why he is there amongst the killers. You come to find out, hes a serial killer.

     This is were they royally screwed up. There  should have been a brain-over-brawn scene where Topher kills a predator. He should've gone nuts stabbing a predator over and over throwing its guts around, drinking its green blood, etc. Or the other option was to have Adrian Brodys and Tophers characters the last two alive, and in an epic twist , Topher should have killed Brody's character, and been the lone survivor. Its only a twist if something shocking happens, and nothing shocking happened.

1. Predators is too similar to Predator. More or less the same movie, copies way too many scenes, not nearly as effective.   Predators should have taken it to the next level, the next level being, the humans know what their up against earlier in the movie. The whole movie could have been a strategic war between humans and predators with the unknown alien race mixed in...a 3-way.

      I cant believe I 'm saying this, but  Predators is too long. The pacing is off. Too many long stretches of the crew walking thru the woods. Gets very cliche when they go to Laurence Fishburnes  hideout. The end fight is vanilla....nothing new or exciting.

 BONUS BLOG: The good news is Predators turned a profit, so sequels will be green lit. Where can they go next? They've gone to the city, to the snow, to the woods, to another planet. Here's a few of Sarcazmo's  ideas for sequel.

1. Predator hunts during a current war. Imagine a predator running around during the Gulf War or Iraq War. That's really the only place they haven't taken the Predator to...the desert.

2. Take the predator back in time. Go back to when they had muzzle loaders and flint locks. You still get  shooting action, but then it would become more strategy.  Tell the tale of the flintlock pistol  labeled "Raphael Adolini 1715"  from Predator 2.

3. Have a rogue group of  predators try to assassinate a political leader...Governor, President, etc.  Yeah it may sound cheesy at first, but think about the action possibilities. Chase scenes while under heavy predator fire, tons of secret service going down. Government calls in their "best man", to kick ass.

4. Have an FBI training class on an tropical island....then the predator shows up.

5. Have the predators go to an entirely different planet of an entirely  different species.

6. Have the predator terrorize a bunch of forest rangers in the Colorado Mountains.

7. Predators in Alaska. More difficult because they would leave tracks in the snow. The prey would realize sooner what is going on.